this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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