Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
