OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
