I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
