I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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