I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
