So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
