so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize