i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
