So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
