Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
