True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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