y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
