Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
