Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
