I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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