Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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