the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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