Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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