the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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