Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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