I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
third nipple confirmed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
