i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
