I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
