either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
