Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
