Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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