I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
