You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
