yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
