No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
