Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
