I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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