would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He passed out mid-signature
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
