I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
