The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
