im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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