I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
