It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
