I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
