You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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