I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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