I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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