I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
