we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize