My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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