all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
