this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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