I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize