Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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