I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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