guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
