I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize