Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
