is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize