she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
