I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
