I can text with my tongue
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i drank out of a bidet.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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