Pappa wants mamma naked
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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