If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
