Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
