he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
