Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
